In trying to educate little kids about bovines, I've been asked some interesting questions through the years. Perhaps the most thought-provoking query came from a cute little five year-old girl who wanted to know if cows celebrate holidays? What a silly question; of course they do. I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I know that just because Hallmark does not make greeting cards for cows yet, that doesn't mean that cows don't know it's Christmas. With the holiday season approaching, I thought it might be a good time to review those special occasions that all cows hold dear. I'd suggest jotting these days down in your date book so that you might show our cloven-hooved friends the respect they deserve, and maybe buy them a little something. Or, if you are a husband, this will allow you to remember the dates for 364 days a year and then forget them on the one day it really matters.

Other than the Great American Meat-Out, the two biggest cow holidays are Easter and Thanksgiving. On Easter most people eat ham and on Thanksgiving they choke down turkey, thus reducing the number of cattle that have to be sacrificed just so a bunch of overweight guys can pass out on the couch with a full paunch.

You may be surprised to discover that many of the days that we hold sacred are also honored by cattle, though for different reasons and not on the same day. For example, Good Friday is considered "good" because the auction market is closed. Cow Halloween is celebrated when young 4-H members dress up their bovines in outlandish costumes for the purpose of winning a blue ribbon in the Lady's Lead Contest at the county fair. Cows celebrate Independence Day on weaning day. Although their constant mooing may sound like they miss their babies, they are actually celebrating their independence by singing and carrying on. Cow Labor Day is the day of parturition.

Cows are currently attempting to pass a national holiday called Respect for the Aged Day; sort of like our Grandparents Day. Their hope is the holiday will be observed by cold-hearted veterinarians so they won't send cows down the road just because they happen to be missing their dentures or are not in the family way.

Not all farm animals celebrate the same holidays. Obviously, pigs and turkeys have a far different take on Easter and Thanksgiving than do cows. Because cows hate horses and their pestering ways, cows do not celebrate New Year's day when all horses, no matter which month they are born, celebrate their birthday. Cows do not take the day off for Flag Day because how do you take a day off from doing nothing, which, just like government bureaucrats, is mostly what cows do. Speaking of Election Day ... most cows think it's a big bunch of bologna. They don't get all worked up over Chinese New Year or the birthday of Columbus, either.

Cows are smarter about their holidays than people are. They don't celebrate anniversaries and they don't honor the birthdays of dead presidents. That's because cows don't elect presidents, proving once again that they are far more intelligent than humans. Whereas we honor dead people a lot, like lost Italian sailors and civil rights leaders, cows don't go in for celebrating the lives of former cows. The one exception being the birthday of Mrs. O'Leary's cow, who tried to burn down the city of Chicago, which at the time was the home to the largest beef packing plants in the world.

There are some days cows would just as soon forget: like the birthdays of the people who invented artificial insemination, squeeze chutes, barbed wire, emasculators, steak sauce and hotshots.

I have personally helped cows celebrate many national bank holidays. We share a common viewpoint that any day the bank is closed is good, and we are safe for at least one more day.