It's The Pitts

By Lee Pitts

You can learn a lot about a person or a group of people just by the manner in which they attack their problems. For example, here’s how an assortment of folks might handle the dilemma of an overflowing water trough.

Federal Judge — Declare the area a wetland and take the property away from the owners.

Sierra Club — File a lawsuit claiming mental anguish on behalf of all members and demand that all water troughs in the country be fenced off and emptied.

Lawyer — After winning a $232 million settlement for the Sierra Club, look around for more overflowing troughs to defend.

University Professor — Obtain grant from obscure government agency for research on the impact that leaky water faucets could have on society in general.

Media — Professor appears on Oprah and postulates that the overflowing trough could drown the entire planet sometime during the next century. (This could only happen if Oprah decided to jump in the trough for a swim.)

Ralph Nader — Write a book about the dangers of leaky water troughs and insist the following label be placed on all troughs: "Warning ... No Lifeguard On Duty."

Fish and Game — Send out 50 wildlife biologists in new trucks on overtime to determine if there ever have been any fish living in the puddle created by the leak.

Realtor — Sell waterfront lots on the site of the future lake to be created by the leak.

Liberal Politician — Object that the realtor/developer has made no plans for low-cost housing in the future leaky lakefront development.

Liberal Politician’s Brother-In-Law Contractor — Win multimillion dollar bid for low-cost housing, make contribution to brother-in-law’s reelection campaign, buy new yacht and then declare bankruptcy.

Environmental Protection Agency — Require an expensive and time-consuming environmental impact report before the trough can be declared a Superfund site.

Trade Group Association — Assign a task force to study the problem of the overflowing trough to report back at a special meeting held at a high-rise hotel in an expensive city with good restaurants and exciting night life.

Multinational Conglomerate — Recognizing the demand for high-tech water troughs, the company pays for politicians to pass liberal trade laws so the troughs can be built cheaply by slave labor overseas for shipment back to this country.

Consultant — After assessing the new manpower requirements of the corporation, the consultant recommends its "downsizing." Already overpaid executives are then given golden parachutes to join the already swollen ranks of the water trough consultants.

Banker — Use leak as an excuse to cancel on all loans and raise all service charges.

Nature Conservancy — Determine if any endangered single-celled amoebas have taken up residence in the leaky ecosystem. If so, proceed to purchase the entire state in which the leak occurred for future resale to the federal government.

County Planning Department — Assign the problem a file number and forget it.

Cowboy — Turn the faucet off.