It's The Pitts 

By Lee Pitts

In order to graduate from high school, every kid in America should have to pass the following multiple choice test:

1. If you were starving, who would be most apt to provide you with life-sustaining food?

A) PETA, Earth First, Greenpeace and the "Hollywood community"

B) The tooth fairy, K.D. Lang, and that famous cowboy, Deon Sanders

C) Ranchers and farmers

2. The term "organic" means the vegetables were raised with the help of:

A) Paul and Linda McCartney

B) Recycled cappuccino grounds

C) Decomposed horse manure

3. The biggest "natural" disaster to hit agriculture during the last 10 years was:

A) Corn blight

B) Med fly

C) The Sierra Club

4. The primary purpose of the United States Department of Agriculture is to:

A) Issue food stamps

B) Acquire seats on the 50-yard line from Tyson for congressmen and Cabinet members

C) Issue erroneous reports periodically and correct them six months later

5. Sixteen is ...

A) The number of gallons of water necessary to wash down a tofu burger

B) The average age and IQ of militant animal rights vegetarians

C) The percent of their income the average American family spends on food

6. A "veterinarian" is:

A) Someone who does not eat meat ... at least while anybody is watching

B) A veteran of foreign wars

C) An animal doctor who gets paid one-tenth as much as a human doctor

7. The sign, "Keep Out, Private Property" means:

A) You should start a poetry group and write bad verse about capitalist pigs

B) You can sue for sexual harassment if you are caught trespassing

C) The Nature Conservancy has not yet bought this parcel of land

8. If locked in a room, with which group would Bruce Babbitt survive the longest?

A) Mountain lions, fairy shrimp, grizzly bears and the spotted owl

B) Coyotes, wolves, western Republican governors and the blunt-nose sucker

C) Ranchers, farmers, foresters and private property owners

9. Who is currently the Secretary of Agriculture?

A) John Deere

B) Old McDonald

C) Barbara Streisand???? (President's Cabinet currently under construction)

10. The four BASIC food groups are:

A) IBP, Cargill, Con Agra and Archer Daniels Midland

B) Taco Bell, McDonalds, Burger King and Pizza Hut

C) Quiche, alfalfa sprouts, fish bait and cafe latte

D) Ranchers, farmers, dairymen and all those folks involved in the production of food

(This week, let’s give thanks for Letter D — Ed.)