Choice gleanings from 45-plus years of Unregistered Bull.

"In view of the drouth, my financial situation, and things in general," said John, "I believe I'll apply for a job with the United Nations. If the Democrats had won the election, I was going to hit them up for a position, but I'm sort of scared to try the Republicans.

"I'm afraid it's like George Blackstone said the other day: there may not be too much easy money floating around Washington when the Republicans take possession of the country. He said he figured there sure wouldn't be much stealing take place for the next four years, because the Republicans will be bashful and afraid somebody is watching them; the Democrats had been in there so long they didn't care whether anybody was watching or not. Besides, he claims, the Democrats didn't leave much for us Republicans to steal.

"However, the United Nations looks like a pretty good bet to me. They just get together ever so often, the Russians run in a set of crooked dice, and everybody gets paid for sweating the game.

"The main qualification for getting in the big money up at United Nations headquarters seems to be the ability to run everybody's business all over the world. I'll admit I never made such success of running my own business, but that doesn't mean I can't run somebody else's. The way I've got it figured, I'll be up there in a big office with ankle-deep rugs on the floor, when in comes a man from Pakistan. We light up a dollar cigar, which he gets off my desk, and he says there's some things going on in the United States which he doesn't approve of. Being thoroughly indoctrinated with the United Nations philosophy, I politely ask him what it is he wants changed.

"He says one of the worst things about this country is the amount of traffic between the United Nations headquarters and a certain nightclub in downtown New York. I immediately agree to have the United States build an elevated highway directly to the nightclub, with the provision that he let me make a suggestion about his own country. He's a scholarly statesman himself, so he bows low enough to touch his monocle against the rug and says whatever I wish shall be done. I tell him I'm not satisfied with the way his staff has been progressing on the Practical Problems of Promoting Possum Production in Pakistan.

"You can tell he's hurt to the quick when I tell him this, but he pulls himself together and asks me to go on. I tell him I think he should accept another loan of $10 million American dollars so he can hire some help and get the problem out of the way as quick as possible. He acts like he wishes I'd put it in a little higher figures and more diplomatic words, but he finally accepts the check and, although we've done a fairly big day's business, we don't knock off and go home like a lot of other United Nations personnel. We go right down to the nightclub he's been talking about so I can see exactly what he wants done about that street.

"I see in the papers the other day where the United Nations has figured out a system of international road signs so when you take your automobile trip around the world you'll know when you're about to run up on a curve, a railroad crossing, and so forth. I couldn’t stand to work and worry about such silly things as that. I'll stay here and spray molasses on dead cedars for 300-pound yearling steers before I'll get that childish. I know a lot of people got paid a lot of money for devising the system, but money isn't everything.

"The farthest abroad I've ever been was Chihuahua, Mexico, but I found out you don't have to be able to read Mexican road signs to know you're on the right road. There aren't any other roads you can take without tearing the bottom out of your car. It's not so important to be careful of curves in the road as it is to watch for cows. Still, a bunch of dreamers who never saw a traffic jam in their lives ‘til they came to the United States to work for the United Nations, spend their time figuring out an international sign language for motorists.
"I can sympathize with people in the United Nations who are seriously trying to bring about world peace. They've got about as much of a problem on their hands as a man trying to ride a raw bronc and lead two others under a loaded clothesline on a windy Monday. But all those hundreds of other characters sitting around fretting about such nonsense as international road signs — well, I still say that hombre from Pakistan will get a favorable hearing when he approaches me about that private traffic problem of his. He's got a practical problem, at least." — (S.F. 11/20/52)