(Editor’s note: The story behind this exchange of letters is almost self-explanatory, but not quite. The first missive was a Dec. 17, 1997 "cease and desist" order to a Michigan landowner, the second his reply to that state’s Department of Environmental Quality. It came to our attention some time ago and we had fun with it then, but we didn’t have access to the full text of the reply; now we do, thanks to Max Hartmann, Doss, Texas. We thought our readers would get a chuckle out of it, and chuckles are hard to come by in the livestock industry these days.)

Dear Sir,

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998.

And in reply...

To the Department of Environmental Quality:

I am the legal owner of the property in question, and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for nor authorize their dam project, I think they would be highly offended if you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

If you want the dam stream "restored" to a free-flow condition — contact the dam beavers — but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter — being unable to read English) — be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem — bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be prosecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)