Ingenuity In Face Of Adversity
Helps Cowboy To Ace Christmas

By Curt Brummett

Well, it seems as though Christmas came right on time again this year — not until after I had my shoppin' done.

For the most part, I like the Christmas season. Most people are in a fairly decent mood, and the music is the type you can actually understand. I like driving around town at night looking at "most" of the Christmas decorations, even though there are some people that go just a tad overboard with the light thing.

Going into a business office is always an experience. There is usually a tree, and decorations all over the place, and of course there is the receptionist who is so full of cheerfulness it's scary.

I've never been one to do my shopping early. I've tried, but I just don't get into the spirit of things until late in December. Late being a day or two before Christmas.

My Christmas shopping is usually pretty simple. I generally forget about two thirds of the people and remember them on the 24th. This makes for a rather trying shopping trip, to say the least.

Well, this year I was done with my shopping and by the 14th. Yep, I surprised myself when I realized I had it all done and didn't even know it.

How it happened is a little complicated. You see, I hired out to smoke several turkeys and hams for a business here in Tyler. They were having their main party on the 10th because most of their people were going to be taking off later in the month.

Worked for me.

Well, it was X-number of dollars for my time and expertise on the grill, and they would furnish everything else. I had gone to several different grocery stores looking for fresh turkey and ham, and that early in the month I didn't find all that many. So I asked around and was told that Wally Martinez's Super Senter had a great meat market.

I drove around the loop (three times) and finally timed it to where I could get into the parking lot. I drove around the parking lot (four times) and finally found a spot just about three miles due east of Dallas.

Now this is the morning of the eighth and about 9 o'clock.

There was a lot of people at old Wally's.

There was a lot of irritable people at old Wally's.

I got through the doors and past all those cheerful old people that greet you and ask if you want a basket or buggy. I chose the buggy.

I am the only man in the world who can pick one buggy out of 1500 that has three of the four wheels trying to go in different directions while the fourth squeals like a pig caught under a gate. I was getting some rather different stares from the people who actually know how to select buggies.

After knocking over a display of Leggs Super Dooper Extra Strength Sup Hose, taking out a little old lady with a basket, and tearing down a stand that was passing out free samples of some of the worst-smelling sausage in the world, I finally got the buggy headed toward the meat market.

Man, there was a lot of people in that store.

I got to the meat market part and asked a lady dressed in a long white coat and pushing a cart full of chickens if they had any fresh turkeys and hams.

She informed me that she was in the chicken department and if I wanted to know about turkeys and hams I would have to ring the bell to get someone that knew.

Worked for me.

After about 10 minutes of hunting that damned bell, I caught the same old gal coming out of some swinging doors and asked her where the bell was.

She said she was on break and told me to come back in 15 minutes and she would tell me. It was obvious to me the old gal had not gotten into the Christmas spirit yet.

I wandered around, dodging little old ladies with normal buggies, and accidentally found the meat supply I was looking for.

They had a lot of different turkeys. Some was grain fed, butter-soaked, canola-rubbed, massaged, stuffed, un-stuffed, generic and Italian. I opted for the generic.

I had dug around in that box of dead birds and found five of the six that I would need. I only needed one more when I was mowed down from the rear by a three-star general in the women's liberation army.

She told me to get the hell out of her way, that I had been digging around long enough and she was in a hurry. I finally got dug out of the turkey tub, stood up and looked around to see what had hit me, and folks, what I saw was not a pretty sight.

I'm not saying this old gal was ugly (because that would be politically incorrect) but she was so cosmetically challenged she could'ave bought froze turkeys and thawed 'em out just by looking at 'em.

I had all of the medium-sized turkeys in my buggy. She wanted em. I told her to find her own damn turkeys. I didn't say it loud, but I told her.

She informed me that no one should be allowed to buy that many turkeys when other people would be wanting some the same size, too.

I figured I could do with a larger turkey and was going to offer her one of mine. I asked her which one she would like to have and she pointed out four of 'em.

I told her they probably had some more in the back and all she had to do was ring the bell to get some help. It was at this time that the old bat in the long white coat showed up after her break.

The general hollered at the chicken lady, the chicken lady hollared back, and I started trying to push an overloaded, no-rolling, squealing buggy on down toward the ham tub. I grabbed six hams as quick as I could and started trying to get to the checkout stand.

A wheel come off my buggy.

I left my turkeys and hams and tried to blend in with the crowd. When I looked back, the general was taking my turkeys and putting them in her buggy. The chicken lady was chewing on some kid about putting them hams up, and that buggy was grinning.

As I was leaving, I passed a stand that was giving away free toothpaste samples. I grabbed a double handful and went home.

After I had called a packing house and ordered my turkeys and hams (delivered), I dug out a bunch of envelopes, stuffed 'em with sample tubes of toothpaste and got 'em ready to mail.

I may not have got my turkeys and hams right off, but I got my Christmas shopping done.