One of my biggest pet peeves is that people uneducated in the animal sciences frequently refer to every member of the bovine family as a "cow." This is akin to calling every human a "mom." Not that there's anything wrong with being a mother. It's just that we can't all be one. Some of us are bulls, steers and heifers.

I'll give you a typical example: A small child, riding in the back seat of her parents' car, points to a bull standing in a pasture beside the road and asks: "Daddy, what kind of animal is that?" Invariably the dim-witted dad will reply, "It's a cow."

This grates on my nerves like a chainsaw trying to cut through pipe. IT DOESN'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE A COW! But everyone does it. To the tourist a steer in a feedlot is a "cow." A calf suckling her mother is a "cow." An ox pulling a plow in a picture book is a "cow." If Michael Jordan's warm-up suit had not identified him as a "Chicago BULL," we'd probably refer to him as an "ex-COW."

It's not just bovines. We refer to all canines as dogs even though a dog is the male of the species. It's easier just to neuter our pets verbally than it is to learn a little biology. But that doesn't make it right. Not all hogs are pigs. We should celebrate our differences by calling all God's creatures by their proper names. So, as a public service, I offer some pointers so the uninformed can readily identify the sex of a creature without waiting to see which restroom door it walks through.

Perhaps the easiest way to tell the sexes apart is by association: By comparing the animal's title with its human counterpart. For example, the bovine "bull" compares to the "man" in the human family. When you think about it, they do have many similarities: They both grow hair in their ears, are hard to handle as they get older, don't work regular hours and neither one ever says "excuse me." If not actively pursuing a female, both bulls and men prefer to hang out with other worthless males.

You can distinguish a bull from a cow by certain definitive anatomical characteristics. A bull usually has a hump on its shoulders where it stores extra brain cells. In this respect they are similar to men. Bulls and men tend to be fatter than females at maturity, scruffier and attract more flies.

Most people think that if a beef animal has horns it must be a bull. Horns have nothing to do with sex other than they can serve as a warning device for a tired cow who wants to deter a randy bull. The same goes for a ring in the nose. Teenagers are living proof that nose rings can be worn by either sex. Also, there is a common misconception that the male is the only animal that will snort, paw the ground, emit steam from its muzzle and charge a red cape. We've all seen men and bulls do this, but I assure you, cows and women will too, if provoked.

If a bull is comparable to a man, a steer is analogous to a boy who has not yet reached puberty. Both the steer and the boy know they are attracted to members of the opposite sex but they don't know why. And they are unable to do anything about it.

Here's where it gets confusing. Cows and heifers are all females. The difference is that a heifer has not yet given birth to a baby, also known as a "calf." Because they have no children, heifers are livelier than cows with more spring in their step and a more optimistic outlook on life. Cows, on the other hand, usually have at least one offspring, two bulls and a pesky cowboy following in close pursuit. Females outnumber males and live longer, despite doing most of the hard work. Typically, the females will be actively watching the kids while the male is the animal taking a midday nap. We are, of course, still referring to bovines. Aren't we?

If you are still unable to identify that member of the bovine family standing in the pasture it's probably because that cow is a horse.